ocean breathes satly

Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded in on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

if it takes shit to make bliss then i feel pretty blissfully

everyone is going to die at some point. i'm trying hard to really wrap my head around this on a daily basis. it's the thought behind every happy moment shared with others in life, i think. some people choose not to look at it though. maybe they are the smart ones. or terribly unlucky. a little of both?

there are those that choose to only stare at it. no matter how good some other things may be, they just make contact with the opposite emotion hanging out in the back. and its hard to know if anything could ever really touch them.

and then there's me. where, no matter the topic, i am constantly bouncing my head back and forth between the two worlds. able to only feel a little of each, but never one fully. i remember moments of trying to lean towards one side but it seems like something keeps me from going there without creating a safe way to get out.

music of the moment if you're interested in joining me:

modest mouse (good news for people who love bad news)
smashing pumpkins (pisces iscariot)
joy division (and for that bands twin, new order)
the cure (everything)

it's all i can do to clear my mind and go about my day now. i know it will fade away with time. until then:

"my thoughts were so loud i couldn't hear my mouth"

by golly, i think she's got it.

True comedy comes not from imposed lines or gags, but from characters interacting in the moment. Once you're audience is engaged with them, they'll be willing to follow them anywhere, even into the realms of absurdity. - Film studies, University of Colorado at Boulder

writing for film. adaptations of current work ( i can think of so many books i would love to take a deeper look at seeing if you can pull a visual story out of them) or just creating a piece originally meant for being seen. it all seems to fit very well to my personality of constantly trying to find new ways to make myself or others understood more. since i can't seem to turn off my trying to figure out what someone is all about or piece together a puzzle if i find one, i might as well put it to good use.

i'm excited.

victim of the crime

it's cold. seriously. i guess there is no more denying that winter is running at us but i was hoping for a little more of a fall to be quite honest. oh well. gotta have a positive outlook. maybe it will be a mild winter still.

it's nice to know that some traditions i knew as a kid are still around. sunday easy lane drivin'. take out your nicest car, polish her up and cruise around in the bright sun. always a pleasure to see the old men in their finest vehicles looking happy as a clam. :)

was talking to shawn last night about how once a year my aunt would take me and my cousin out (and sometimes the grandparents-parents) to drive around and look at christmas lights around various neighborhoods. i remember how many people used to put up lights and what a great tradition it was to look at them with family. i also remember when we stopped going because hardly anyone was putting any effort into the decorations anymore. so sad, but it's often the case that instead of putting up a bunch of lights, fighting to find some original decorations and whatnot, now all you see are the same cardboard cut outs hanging on their front doors and the huge inflated santa in the front yard. usually slightly deflated. such a sad sight. i will not let my home be like that.

on a related note, people are decorating more and more for halloween. i like this. i think it's a very under-rated holiday. gets a lot of negative attention and rap. i think it's fun to be a little scared sometimes. and the idea of dressing up and going door to door getting candy from people is definitely unique. it's the only holiday i can really think of where you venture outside of your extended family blanket and include others in a celebration like that. idk, it's obviously my favorite holiday so i may be a little biased. who knows.

all that mentioned, i'd still rather see more christmas lights up than halloween lights. i'm ok with myself liking halloween more than christmas but when the majority of people seem to feel the same way it worries me about the morale of this town/area/people in general. maybe i'm just reading too much into it...

tiny cities made of ashes

i feel as though my life definitely has that "rail car gone off track" kind of thing goin on. it's not a pleasant ride by any means right now and i've only myself to blame. it's time i start initiating some self discipline if i'm ever to make it on my own for good.

so more for myself than for the masses that i'm sure read this (riiiiiiiiiiiiight), i'm making a bit of a list. (i love lists)

• figure out where i'd like to go to college
  - does it really matter what i study? audio-video production or enviromental science. either would work for now. have a feeling i'll be going to school the rest of my life if possible. if i have an associates in audio-video production maybe enviromental science in a beautiful place will give me a nice break/different area to expand my options later? but what does an associates even mean these days? really...
  
  
• make as much money as i can while i'm not in school(without going insane)
  - i already have a fear that i will have some sort of mental breakdown working two jobs while not in school. that's how terrifying the thought of a life of retail is to me. it's enough to swallow while i'm working towards something that makes me happy but i've turned my cheek so often now that i'm starting to get dizzy and forget who i am. that said, i have to make sure that i pick up as much time from both jobs so i can begin to pay off this debt/start saving to get my own place.
  
  
• learn things.
  - geography-mapping, environmental science, weather, computer hardware, car maintenance, nutrition, traditional photography, a new craft. all of which i can learn about without being in school. yay for libraries! i just have to stop paying for late fees...
  
  
• make a portfolio
  - online website displaying all my work. stop being so critical about it all and just let it be what it is, comment on it/rework it if need be. but have a place to link to/somewhere people can go to look at what i've done and how i've evolved as an artist.
  
  
  

this post will be peppered with random things i want. fair warning.

itouch. neat. neat. neat. i know my ipod is on the way out. another year at most i'm thinking
with the way it's been rocked around and pulled apart.

lazy eye

The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. If you want to be a loner, you can be more alone. If you want to connect, it makes it easier to connect.
- Esther Dyson

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
- James Branch Cabell

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
- Jules de Gaultier




i have been trying to start a blog for like, a week now. and i just kept this window open and kept pasting quotes hoping that they will inspire me to start typing my own thoughts. nope. no such luck. you know what inspired me? this guy. (doesn't translate well to blogger i guess...)

class started tonight. that's what i'm-a learnin' this summer. still bitter/upset/meloncholy about having to sign up for it anyways.

i'm sure it will be good for me though. i've noticed myself snapping faster at work(s) and that's no good if i want to stay where i'm at. i'm finally starting to get caught up with bills i feel like. or, at least now i can start to see it on the horizon. which is such a weight lifted. being able to set things forward in a whole different direction and to do it on your own. it's nice. :)

i suppose i don't have too much else to report besides my summer plans kind of up in the air atm. concerts are coming up that i've been looking forward to for months and this summer... this year... is already going by quickly. the more things change the more they stay the same though.